Medieval Times is a rip off.

I recently visited Medieval Times with a group of friends.  I initially went because I always wanted to know what was so great about this place.

Over the years I have seen several commercials and even a movie called “The Cable Guy” that portrays Medieval Times as one of the most badass experiences on earth.  Well here I am going to give you a brief summary on what you can really expect to happen.


First of all, you better have a minimum of $100.00 a person to spend if you are going to survive the financial pot holes at this establishment.  Not only is the admission an outrageous price for ADULTS - $57.95 (+tax).  We got an online discount of CHILDREN 12 & UNDER - $39.95 (+tax) and that was still ridiculous.  After admission is paid, you are randomly given a team color represented by a corresponding color Burger King knockoff crown.


Before entering the hall, they force you to take a picture with some stranger that claims they are royalty in the land.  After all that crap, you finally enter the waiting hall where all you can pretty much do is pay $16.00 for a drink that is justified by coming with a cheap plastic glass that you get to keep ( which I found out the hard way that it is not dishwasher safe.)


The other options would also include some shops with wooden weapons for absurd prices or talk to ye olde crappy actors walking amongst the crowd.


The only thing that got my attention and appeared worth while was the torture museum they had.  Unfortunately since that was actually something worthwhile,  the admission fee I paid did not include this feature.  I also noticed a knighting booth.


After a short inquiry apparently nobody needs to do anything great or noble anymore to be knighted you just pay an extra monetary fee with your admission.  What kind of integrity is that?  Just pay the royal King off and you will be granted nobility.  What a crock!


Once the doors opened to be seated,  I was awaiting our wench to disperse our refreshments.  To my dismay some guy comes up in medieval garb and greets us explaining that he is our "mench" which apparently calculates to “man wench” from what I was informed.  Anyway, the mench brings us garlic bread and tomato bisque soup.


Apparently there were no first degree burns in medieval times because everyone in my party and myself dropped the soup back on the table on the first attempt to drink it.  The fantastic idea of pouring scalding hot soup in a metal bowl with a metal handle and no type of insulation on the handle, or maybe the bright idea of a wooden handle the heat had nowhere to go but your hand at the touch.  In the middle of dinner when you are actually trying to figure out what the hell is going on, you get badgered by several medieval merchants to buy more crap such as glow in the dark shit, photos of you and the stranger at the door, and surprisingly shots of alcohol.

The only items that tempted me were the shots of alcohol, but when the mench said $8.00 a shot I told him to screw off.  Next we were served a “rib from our enemy” all of the sudden cannibalism is apparently the trend in medieval times but after evaluating the rib and trying it apparently our enemies are pigs, because it was the worst over-salted pork rib I had ever tasted.  Just when I thought the rib was terrible, I was next given a small rotisserie that was claimed to be a baby dragon at one point and time.  I took a bite hoping to cover up the horrible enemy rib taste still in my mouth to welcome a greasy dirt taste in my mouth.  I could of sworn they dropped these things on the ground and served them up.  To wrap up this terrible meal we were lastly given a castle pastry.  Well this pastry sure as hell looked a lot like an apple turnover to me, but apparently it is a special castle pastry.  Being so hungry from not finishing any of the previous crappy dishes I quickly devoured this thing that was at best a stale Pillsbury toaster strudel equivalent.


Since we were on the Yellow Knight’s team I decided to make the best of the event and supported with the purchase of a small flag a vendor was pushing onto me like a drug.  I had the choice of a piece of yellow plastic glued to a straw that was supposed to resemble a flag for $1.00 or actually a flag for the bargain price of $5.00 I was informed.


As I looked over, my overpriced purchase of a $5.00 flag “made in China” appears very distinctly (Apparently King Philippe has some type of trade of goods treaty with China during this Historical time depicted).


I looked at the logo and it seemed familiar at first until I thought about it and realized the knight I am supposed to cheer for is nothing more than a thief stealing the Italian Stallion logo that Rocky has depicted in Rocky III.


After getting over the ridiculous knockoff of Rocky I continued to watch the show and was introduced to falconry.  The falconist I presume his title is made a bird fly in a circle around him and then went away.  I am sorry; I have seen a lot of things but that has to be one of the saddest attempts at entertainment I have seen in a long time.  I have seen hobos on street corners dance a jig that has kept my attention longer than this.  After that great display of entertainment the king interrupts and rattles off a list of pointless things we are all suppose to be celebrating today.  Apparently anyone who paid earlier could have the king rattle off the name of a person and what they accomplished.  The majority of celebrations were birthdays of people but one stood out from all very well when the king announce someone was celebrating 90 days of sobriety.  I mean what the hell is that?  I quit some type of addiction for 90 days and I get a party thrown for me here?  That is not a very good reward; if anything I would go back to my addiction after experiencing this ordeal to forget about how shitty it was.


My favorite part of the entire evening is going to the washroom afterwards just to hear some kid whaling that it was his birthday and his color knight lost and how he never wants to come here again.  I just thought to myself as ridiculous as it sounds, that kid had a point I just blew almost $100.00 and all I have to show for it is some shoddy merchandise and a stomach ache from overly salted food.

I am sick of Chicago sellouts.
10 items or less my ass.


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Sunday, 17 October 2021

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